I think it’s safe to say that most women pursuing careers in predominantly male oriented industries have experienced at least one uncomfortable situation where a colleague or associate of the opposite sex has made them feel less than.
I know I have.
Several times.
Now before I get into the nuts and bolts of my own experiences I want to remind that this article serves to highlight these moments so that others can merely relate (and possibly course-correct). It is not about man-hating or promoting feminist ideologies but bringing to light the way women can (and have) been made to feel in workplaces where the female to male staffing ratio has swung in favour of men.
In honesty, I think the boys’ club is becoming a thing of the past as more women enter industries where men have once upon a time held majority roles, particularly the senior ones.
Just look at Tattersalls Clubs. The once male only exclusive memberships are now open to women looking to network and connect.
The boss-babe movement is gaining even more momentum with movies like Barbie bringing to light the stereotypical influences that have bound women for decades, and exposing the ways in which equality needs to prevail in order for our society to evolve.
Career women especially are becoming more empowered to stand their ground, set boundaries and no longer tolerate the behaviour that once was.
As a 5 ft woman of asian descent, I accepted I was always going to have a target placed on my head for mistreatment, bullying and condescending behaviour, and so it came as no surprise when men in the industry “tried it on” as I like to put it.
Fortunately for me, I had a mother who not only championed my little fuck-you spirit, but who also lacked the capabilities to be emotionally available in times where I needed it the most.
For years, I resented the latter part, but later realised that this combination of unconscious parenting was the magic recipe for creating a strong, fiercely independent and capable human being who knew how to get what she wanted. I learned from a very young age that the buck stopped with me and I needed to stand up for myself because no one else was going to.
The heaving lifting rested solely on my shoulders, (or that’s how I felt).
I was responsible for my fate and I was perfectly okay with that.
Entering the snake pit.
When I became a business woman in my early twenties, I was therefore well-prepped for what was to come.
Having an early start in real estate which was notorious for the boys’ club (and still is) also helped. As a receptionist working the front desk I experienced all sorts of sketchy, confrontational situations that involved members of the opposite sex.
Watching my boss literally man-handle a tenant out of the office because he hadn’t paid his rent but decided we were being unfair.
Having to call the police because we’d been threatened (for the fourth time that month).
It was all kinds of a circus back in 1997 when rent was paid over the counter rather than via direct debit.
And it didn’t stop there.
Between the ages of 23 and 29 when I was Principal Licensee of my own real estate offices, I experienced all kinds of intimidation from men.
I once had the father of a buyer storm into my office, demand to see me and then proceed to stand over me, finger pointed telling me I didn’t know what I was doing because his son and daughter in law failed to get finance approval on their purchase and the deal fell through. It was their first home and they had purchased it through our agency but unfortunately for them, their finance was knocked back and so the sale crashed. We sold the property to another buyer but seemingly I was in the wrong for doing that.
After listening to him unleash his fury on me and my sales team, I proceeded to ask how many houses he’d bought in his life. A bold move you might think, given in that moment, he was David and I felt like little tiny goliath.
This question seemed to throw him off guard and stop him in his tracks. His rant came to a halt and I proceeded to tell him that I had played a role in the transaction of hundreds of property sales by that point in my career and probably knew a little more than him.
Now you would think me telling him this would enrage him even more, but you know what.
It didn’t.
I learned a valuable lesson that day.
It did the exact opposite. It shut him up.
I met his crazy with my own form of crazy.
You could say, I challenged him rather than choosing to back down into a string of apologies and appeasing behaviours.
I remember my adrenaline pumping in that moment. Had I gone too far?
He quietened down and we were able to discuss the situation more calmly, with me taking the lead as to how I could help his kids move forward. I referred him and his son to my mortgage broker at the time and this man ended up thanking me and shaking my hand as he left our office. I remember thinking what a dick he had been to just barge in like that, guns blazing and directed at little 25 year old me, but in truth, he was only acting this way because he felt out of control. And I was the boss. The licensee. It was my responsibility to hold accountability for my team and deal with the situation the best way I could.
Ultimately, this father didn’t know how to help his son and was clearly out of his depth, but that’s not to say it excuses the behaviour. It never dawned on him that the little female real estate agent was not to blame.
Standing Up and calling out the B.S.
When we stand up for ourselves, call it, and speak the truth in a clear, non-confrontational, non-condescending way, it usually has the opposite effect on the other person. I call it the “truth in hand” speech.
I use it when I see a situation escalating.
A similar occurrence happened 3 years later with a landlord we had inherited when my ex and I purchased a rent-roll.
This guy was just a straight up angry man. I don’t know what had happened in his life for him to behave this way, but everyone in my office was terrified of him.
My partner at the time wanted to kill the guy and they often went head to head over the phone about stuff that didn’t really warrant an argument. One day, he threatened to come into our office to continue a heated conversation he was having with my partner.
Enough was enough I thought.
I grabbed the phone and started speaking to this guy. Jason was his name.
“Hey Jason, it’s Wendy Russell. I’m the licensee of the office and I know you’re unhappy but I’m terrified right now. I’m scared I’m going to have to call the police if you come down to our office. My staff are frightened of you and to be honest, so am I.”
Yep, I actually said that. Word for word. I remember it well because it was another one of those moments where the adrenaline was rushing yet again.
Here’s what he said.
“I’m so sorry. I never want a woman to feel scared of me.”
He went straight on the back burner and I could feel his intensity coming down. It’s like I hit the kill switch on his anger and shifted his demeanour into a new gear.
“Well, that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now Jason. How do we resolve this?”
(See how I’m asking him to guide me here? Essentially, placing the power back in his hands to “fix” the problem and hence diffuse the situation.)
I was actually floored to hear that response leave his mouth. But in hindsight, I had nothing to lose. He couldn’t have got any worse, could he?
Gain respect. Get respect.
I don’t want to say that Jason and I became friends after that chat, but I know he respected me. Following that incident, he only ever wanted to deal with me directly about property matters and I made him promise that if he contacted our office, he would calm his tone or we would need to part ways and he would have to find another property manager. Jason stayed with us until we sold the rent roll a year later.
Dealing with difficult male clients is bad enough but what about when they’re industry colleagues or work associates? You can always sack a client and move on but it’s not as easy to remove yourself from someone you work with.
It’s not You, it’s Them.
In my time as a real estate professional, I’ve been (unsuccessfully) sued by another real estate agent, openly laughed at, told I was a joke, screamed at, threatened, spoken down to (it’s not that hard since I’m a shorty!) and told I needed to sell my car because it made me look “too successful” and clients wouldn’t work with me.
And this was all from men.
I’ve also been given great advice, felt fully supported, mentored for free, and told I was one of the best agents they’ve ever dealt with.
This was all from men also.
I feel like I’ve seen it all in my 26 years and nowadays if I get any inkling of B.S directed toward me I just laugh it off and move on. I know my worth and I know that whatever is being said is usually coming from a place of insecurity or ego injury of some sort.
And it’s not a gender bias thing. It’s an individual person thing.
Don’t take it personal, because it’s never really about you.
When we have the courage to stand in our power, and exude an aura of confidence that sends the message “don’t try it on with me because it doesn’t work here”, you will start to see these types of men (and women) fall off your radar. They literally disappear because they know you’ll call them out so they don’t even bother going there.
This is the place you need to get to, especially if situations like the ones I’ve described above are affecting your work or your mental state.
Don’t be afraid to show a little fuck-you attitude if you feel it’s necessary. Surprisingly, it often turns a situation around when you least expect it to.
And nowadays, other women will back you on this.
Remember, strong, confident women (and men) don’t engage in drama, they just walk away.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Wendy Russell writes about Property, Career and Success. She is a self-made woman and Independent Buyer’s Advocate based in Brisbane Australia, representing busy professionals in luxury home purchases.
