Similar to many twenty year old young ladies, I was fumbling my way between the party scene and establishing my career as a real estate professional.
As a short, young introverted woman who wore glasses, overcrowded nightclubs and music festivals where judgemental eyes decided whether you were worthy or not were torturous places for me.
So instead, I decided that my first home would be the place where the majority of my social interactions would happen so I would have some sort of control over the environment (and the people who were invited of course).
Picture the scene from the first Fast and Furious Movie where they go back to Vin Diesel’s house after the street race. That was my place on most Saturday and even Sunday nights in 2001.
Music, alcohol, sex and car talk.
Believe it or not but I was into the car scene from my late teens and into my early twenties. The day I brought home my first convertible (my dream car) was a milestone event because I’d wanted one ever since I was 16.
Confidence for me back then was all about how good I could make myself look physically.
What I wore.
How I styled my hair, did my make up and all that external stuff that gives you a sugar hit of validation from those you seek it from most.
In my case, it was Robbie, my first serious boyfriend.
I’m short-sighted and before I could afford laser surgery I had to wear glasses to see more than two feet in front of me. Not very cool back in 2001, especially when you were trying to be sexy at a club or in front of the love interest.
Robbie hated my glasses and so did I.
As often as I could, I ditched the specs and just walked around in a blur of surroundings because, even though I couldn’t see a damn thing, I looked better than the four-eyed version of me.
The moment I took those glasses off, I felt a lot more confident. For about 5 minutes.
Sounds ridiculous now.
The things we do when we’re young, impressionable and craving acceptance from our closest peers.
Discovering how to (really) build confidence.
Fast forward to my 30’s… Robbie was no longer my love interest, and I had experienced a few setbacks, heartbreaks and felt I had learned a thing or two about life up to this point. But deep down I still wasn’t completely confident in myself.
What I eventually realised was that confidence wasn’t just about a certain look I could mimic or morph myself into becoming.
It was an aura.
You see, real confidence is not about the external.
It comes from within.
It’s that inner knowing that no matter what the external world throws at you, you’re capable of dealing.
Real confidence moves quietly.
Effortlessly.
It’s an unexplainable glow.
A contentment.
A presence that instantly commands the attention of those in its path for no other reason than a feeling that this person holds themselves in high stead.
When I did the inner-work, my confidence skyrocketed.
Seeking therapy to help me “do the work” was probably one of the best things I did in my 30’s.
No matter your background, social class or upbringing - every single person on the planet goes through challenging times in their lives and I believe the negative and shameful stereotypes surrounding therapy, life coaching or whatever you want to call it need to change.
Why do we hold such a stigma around the need to seek professional mental or emotional help when this kind of work is life changing?
I still see my life coach (that’s what I call her now) every now and then when I feel I need a booster.
So what was it that changed for me?
How did I go from the insecure, pretending to be the confident twenty year old - to the 30 year old who knew her place in life.
First of all, I had a breakdown.
Now I’m certainly not claiming that everyone needs to have a meltdown in their life in order to become confident, but looking back, I needed this to push me into a place of self-reflection. To hold the spotlight over my life experiences and be forced to see what was really going on so I could course-correct for the future.
Once I realised the decisions I had made up until that point were motivated by my inner child, I started to heal. Having my therapist hold the mirror was life changing for me and it was from those first few sessions where I started to learn the fundamentals of developing a true inner confidence.
I learned about a thing called boundaries.
Up until this point, I related the word boundaries to a block of land and where the fence line ended.
Ha! The real estate agent coming out.
Holding space.
Empathy.
Acceptance.
These were words and discussion points that really helped me come into myself.
As a former co-dependent who felt stuck, this inner work was the catalyst for my transformation into a more confident being, and that’s when the shift really started.
Doors opened.
Opportunities became abundant and new friendships were formed.
I met a man whom I could have a healthy relationship with. That man is now my husband.
Ben and I on our wedding day in September 2023.
Those opportunities helped me rebuild my business, and the friendships I have developed are the most genuine I’ve ever had.
When you learn to love and accept who you are, confidence naturally exudes.
Unapologetically saying no to situations that don’t serve me and empathetically holding space for other humans are two of the most powerful skills I’ve learned to date. I feel that both have contributed to my own confidence because I’m sure and purposeful in my actions.
Being confident means we’re okay if plans don’t always go the way we want them to. We pivot and move forward anyway. Pivot. I love that word. The story of my life wrapped up in 5 letters.
Confidence is being sure in our abilities and unwavering in our delivery.
It is knowing you’re not looking for external validation because you’re comfortable in your own skin.
Confidence is wholeheartedly backing ourselves despite what others might think or say.
Having clarity in situations yet holding space for those who may not.
Confidence is trusting that it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.
And remember, we don’t just wake up one day and like magic, we’re confident.
It takes time.
Life experiences.
Lessons.
Introspection.
It’s something you chip away at over time, and eventually you naturally start to feel better within yourself and your capabilities as a human being.
I believe your 30’s are the perfect era to work on building your confidence.
By now, you probably know what you like and what you don’t like. The life experiences of your 20’s are now behind you and there is still plenty of time to reflect on the choices you made during this discovery phase of adult life.
Now you have the maturity (and possibly humility) to explore the deeper parts of who you really are and pave a direction that is truly aligned with your values.
For me, despite enjoying being a social creature, I realised I was really an introvert.
I’ve always loved to socialise with close friends and I equated this to being extroverted but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I felt claustrophobic in crowds and found the networking scene a challenge. I discovered I needed to be mindful about my energy levels and how they were deeply impacted by those around me. Intense interactions for extended periods of time drain me and so I know to limit my time in certain situations and refocus toward activities that recharge my batteries - like fishing in secluded locations and writing blog articles like this one.
Having an understanding of what you value as a human being and staying true to this despite all the external factors is the foundation for confidence in my opinion.
To be honest, it’s not easy for me to describe exactly how I became confident but I know it has a large part to do with knowing who I am and continuing to lean into the discovery and acceptance of what makes me a unique and valuable person.
As I move into my next era - my 40’s - I can honestly look back on the past two decades with humility and gratitude. I’m grateful for my experiences; all of them, because without them I wouldn’t be the confident person I am today.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Wendy Russell writes about Property, Career and Success. She is a self-made woman and Independent Buyer’s Advocate based in Brisbane Australia, representing busy professionals in luxury home purchases.
